If we grew up in a family system where our needs weren’t met, which is the case for most of us, either through neglect or perhaps smothering, we may have developed a strong fawn response. In Pete Walker’s Book: “From Surviving to Thriving”, he explains the 4 F trauma responses that we typically have in response to adverse childhood experiences. The trauma responses are fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Typically, all these responses are natural, but when we get stuck on one or two, it tends to limit the way in which we show up in the world.

Today I am going to describe how the fawn response was activated in my life and how it showed up for me personally. Perhaps my experience will resonate for you. Fawning is actually a people-pleasing response that we may have in the face of stress, tension or triggers. We are hyper attuned to make sure that the other person is okay as we abandon ourselves and our own authentic needs. This strategy is how we got love and safety as children from our caregivers and we may still be leaning into it even as adults though it is not serving us.

Those of us who identify as codependent learned to be hyper attuned to our caregivers needs in childhood. Perhaps there was substance abuse and/ or mental health issues in the family home. We learned to adjust ourselves to appease our caregivers for love and safety.This often comes at the cost of self-betrayal as we disregard our own boundaries and authenticity, 

I had chronic muscle tension that only got worse as I grew older, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. This is in effect 

(I know now) was my bracing to perfectly show up as I imagined the other person wished me to be. My body was expecting the worst response from the other in some regard. And those of us who are highly sensitive often have the worst outcomes in this regard.  Sometimes though, we will collapse as though making ourselves small so that we will seem less threatening.There can be tightness in the chest or gut associated with anxiety as well. Shallow breathing was also a side effect of my fawn response as well as a chronic tightness in my throat for fear of saying the wrong thing! These responses are often common with authority figures or any anticipated conflict. Sometimes, the fawn response can show up as people having a fixed smile or an expression of attentiveness as well.

At other times, we will have trouble telling people we need to get off the phone or to leave a party, worried about offending them. We likely also avoid internal cues such as hunger, fatigue or discomfort in order to prioritize others. We may dissociate, freeze, be numb and act as though we are fine even though we are not. We may tell ourselves (often unconsciously) that as long as the other person is happy, I will be safe. Or as long as I am agreeable or useful, I will be loved. Conflict is seen as dangerous!

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you may have an active fawn response. You can see how this dynamic will likely cause unhappiness in our relationships as we tend to betray and abandon ourselves in them. This was a learned strategy in childhood and not your fault. But there is a way to make it conscious and work with it to reverse this toxic pattern! Oftentimes those of us  with a strong fawn response are codependents who are hyper focused on expressing empathy and get drawn into relationships with narcissists who we are drawn to for their perceived woundedness.

This learned fawn response, which can be seen as empathy in some regard, is essentially a defense against our repressed fear.  We are afraid unconsciously that if we are not attuned to the other, we will not get your needs met. To be free from this program by making it conscious and working with our buried fear, awareness and freedom from this debilitating response can be ours.

For me personally, I buried my vulnerable emotions as well as they didn’t feel safe to express as a child. I buried my hurt, sadness and the fear that we all repress!  Most of my life I had chronic tension. It was very uncomfortable! I brought it up in my talk therapy sessions, but my therapist simply didn’t have the tools to help me! To my surprise, as I started to do the Rapid Fire practices in KI on these contractions, my tension has almost completely dissolved. Moreover, I can breathe fully into my lungs for the first time in my life. Most of my life I was unable to breathe fully into my lungs even though I practiced yogic breathing for years. Now my lungs expand freely! Moreover, the fawning response made me  a compulsive busy-aholic trying to please all those people in my life (though it was subconsciously my parents). This was exhausting as you can imagine! The repression inquiry work I teach reversed this pattern as well! 

If you notice any of these symptoms in yourself, I highly recommend you do this work. It is life-changing! I have been a seeker most of my life (which can be another result of repression) and have done many spiritual practices including meditation and yoga – which I still practice. But it wasn’t until I did the Kiloby Inquiries that I was able to find freedom from the effects of my fawning trauma response!